THINGS THE LAST GUY TAUGHT ME

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We are going to call him the last guy. He might not even be the last guy. I sound so dramatic saying the last guy you know. It’s like that thing I say about my crush in class six who nicknamed me Tinkerbell. I didn’t have a crush then. And Tinkerbell well you all know Tinkerbell. If you don’t know Tinkerbell just pretend you do. The difference between the one who nicknamed me Tinkerbell and the last guy, one of them actually exist.

This are the things the last guy taught me about love, life and women. It’s funny he knew so much about women and he has never been female. Or was he transgendered? I don’t know.

The last guy taught me that women were created for only two things; to bleed and clean. If you like me you probably suck at both. I suck at bleeding because I’m moody and it’s really painful. Sometimes I cry and I’m usually a bitch. And let’s not even start on the cleaning, I just don’t suck at it but i also hate it. Just the thought of cleaning makes me sick. So generally I was a terrible human being. According to the last guy.

The last guy taught me that’s there’s nothing like unconditional love. Love in itself is a condition. Terms and conditions are applied. Everything you give is directly proportional to what you will receive but sometimes you receive twice of what you giving. As simple as that. Nobody ever reads the terms and condition, y’all always agree without reading. Maybe that’s why the divorcĂ© rates are high and friends with benefits is trendy. Everyone is just looking out for their hearts to avoid heartbreaks. Or that’s not why FWB is trendy?

The last guy taught me that nothing last forever and someone can just walk out on you. No explanations. No reason. Nothing. They wake up one day and decide to leave. They dump you the way they order pizza. Give me pepperoni extra crust. Lol … That’s the most terrible analogy ever. I’m feeling really creative this evening.

The last guy taught me that having a two heads was a pass for being an asshole. His word was final. He even advised me on my future relationships. That if I ever wanted any relationship in future to work I better get my little head around that. If I don’t submit then I better brace myself for life alone. Probably become a cat lady. My DNA ain’t wired to take bullshit from anyone. And I guess this is why I couldn’t get my head around this lesson. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It depends who you ask.

The last guy taught me that people are selfish. No one really cares. And that people are just using each other for their own selfish reasons. Once they are done using you and they are done with you. Sometimes it’s a win win and sometimes it’s not. “Analyze the situation and ensure you benefiting.” That’s what he said.

The last guy taught me the art of manipulation. And only a student can defeat the master. Before he knew it I was way better in manipulation than he was. This days when I’m bored I manipulate people just because I can. Of all the things he taught me I guess he regrets this the most.

The last guy taught me that submitting is another way of being in control. His philosophy was simple, “if you allow people to do things to you they are actually doing it to themselves.” They think they are in control but you are letting them be in control. Whose really in control?

The last guy taught me the art of listening. Not to what they are saying but to what they are not saying. It took me too long to actually master this but after that I’m unstoppable. “Always listen to what they are not telling you. Ignore the words, people lie all the time”

The last guy taught me a lot of lessons. But most important he showed me how less he thinks of women. He never thought we were actual human beings with feelings and emotions. And I guess this is the biggest mistake we all make. He thought we are objects just like what most of my female friends think that men are just subjects. This topic of male and female can actually fill a book. The point is, ‘the world will be a much better place if both male and female treat each other like real human beings. Before then we will forever be at war. Unending war.’

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