To The Boy Who Says He Loves Me, I’m Not The One For You

“To Love me is the most dangerous dream to hope for. ”

We have been friends for few years now. I can count with my fingers the number of times we hanged out. Let’s be honest, it was awesome. You are smart, intelligent and handsome. You know how to argue and you really can hold a conversation. Plus you sarcasm game is so on point. You are awesome.

You once said, “if I ever fall in love, I will do everything to make her happy. ” and all I said was, “that’s deep. ” If I would have said more than that I would have ruined that moment. I kind of envied her and I hoped to heavens to never be her.

I’m not the one for you. You deserve someone who could drop everything to make you happy just like you do for everyone around you. I’m not girl, I’m selfish and I like having my way just for kicks. its either my way or the highway. I’m not considerate. I’m in a different level of selfish. I’m not capable to give you the love you deserve.

I’m not capable of love. Not even if I try. It has nothing to do with you. I cannot love anyone but me. I know this is true because I’m in my early twenties and I never dreamed of having babies. Look around me, girls my age are making families and nurturing babies. And all this things ain’t in my mind, not even in my dreams. You deserve someone who can love you and love you for real.

I’m heavily flawed. I know what’s wrong with me anyway. And I’m not dealing. I like the darkness and everything in between. And I don’t need saving. I like romanticizing the idea of someone saving me but in reality I don’t wanna be saved. You deserve a girl you don’t have to save to love you and if she needs saving, she will be willing to hold your hand.

I cannot give back the love you are willing to give. But I can pray you find someone who can do. Someone who can sacrifice for you like I know you will for her. Someone who can even want to have your babies. Someone who can call mine. Someone you can’t share with anyone or anything. I’m not half that girl and this is how I know I’m not the one for you.

I’m willing you to love another. Find love, happiness, a family everything in between. And this Easter I will go on my knees and pray to heavens to bring you the girl you deserve. The one for you. I’m not the that girl.

Inspired by stray cats.

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It’s On Wednesday That I Need You Most

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I need you on Wednesdays the most.  It’s that day of the week that I doubt myself the most.  I don’t like medians or middles or anything that has mid on it.  I don’t know if I should be excited that Friday is almost here or go on being grumpy since Monday was also here a few days ago.  I need you the most when I’m not sure of myself.

I need you on Wednesday because I still have no idea why we spell Wednesday with a d. And if you are by my side right now I wouldn’t be wondering about such. You would have given me a stupid explanation, stupid but it will do till next time.

I need you on Wednesday the most. It’s not a lazy day and we can’t stay in bed all day while you make me pancakes. But I can beg you to make me pancakes and you will turn me down because we are both running late since somebody “forgot” to set the alarm.

I need you on Wednesday morning because it’s Wednesday. And if it’s you I need on Wednesday that means I need you everyday. Every fucking day of my miserable life.  Wednesday ain’t a special day and maybe that’s why I need you the most.
#love
#Wednesday

Inspired by stray cats.

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom But I Won’t

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I wish I could tell her that I’m not planning on having kids. And the only grand children she is getting is from my siblings. This way, she would stop wishing on holding my babies. They will have my beautiful eyes probably. No but thanks.

I wish I could tell my mom that I ain’t planning on walking down the isle. Not soon anyway. And she should stop waiting to see me in a white dress. And this has got nothing to do with her or her parenting.

I wish I could tell my mom that I will cancel my Samburu plans. No mom,I can’t. I just have to go. I know you are worried and your intentions are pure. Hardship? I can survive that Mommy. And I’m a big girl now.

I wish I could tell my mother that I will practice whatever it is I’m studying. Sorry mom,I’m just not interested. I joined campus because you asked. Now that I’m almost done, it’s time I start my own path. If I fail I Will die knowing I tried and if I succeed I would make you proud.

I wish I could tell my mom that I’m
seeing someone and some day I will bring him home. No mom. There’s so much to do in life than boys and everything in between. And Right now I’m doing those things not boys.

I wish I could tell me my mom that I will actually attend my graduation. Mom I’m so done with this school. And I can’t tell you this,I don’t want to break your heart. Seeing how excited you are about this graduating thing. I don’t have a choice but to break your heart mom.

I wish I could tell my mom that I’m not in the basketball team. It’s sad but you have been living a lie. The last time I played was high school. Somewhere along the way I lost interest.

I wish I could tell my mom that I enjoy cooking. Honestly? I hate it. I do it for survival. And if you ask me,I would rather buy food. Or sleep Hungry. Anything but cook.

I wish I could tell my mom I’m not hooked to coffee. Coffee had me at hello. And since then I’m hooked. Let’s take a moment and thank heavens that I’m not addicted to cocaine or any of the good stuffs. You should be proud mommy.

We all have our secrets and weaknesses. I’m just keeping mine to myself, and telling the internet of course.  Mom I’m flawed but really proud to be your daughter.  I wish I could tell you this too.

Inspired by stray cats.

This Is How I Miss You

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I’m already gone, to be with someone I don’t even know.

I don’t Miss you when my teeth is stained with cheap wine and my blood is turned into alcohol at 3AM. And club lights are on with all that crowd in the dancefloor. And a guy is hitting on me,  trying to pick me up. I miss you in the purest of moments. When I’m alone just thinking about you. 

I don’t Miss you at 2AM when I roll over and where your body used to be is empty and cold.  I miss you when I’m sun kissed and smiling. When I’m inspired to write, and write about you.

I don’t miss you in those few confusing minutes in the morning after my alarm goes off and I reach out to dismiss and cuss while I wish I could sleep for a few more minutes. I miss you when I’m in the shower, with the hot water running in my back and I remember how you used to rub my back. I miss the therapy of your arms in my back. It used to be the best way to kick start a day. I miss you when that first sip of coffee touches my soul and I imagine that somewhere the same is happening to you. 

I don’t miss you when I’m in a boring lecture. And I’m playing candy crush hoping time will fly or the annoying lecturer will stop talking. I miss you when I get home and change to my pajamas. After my first sip of tea touches my soul and calm my nerves. I miss you when I’m washing off my make up and I wonder what smart comment you would have said in that particular moment. I miss you how you used to find me all the things I misplaced for example my cleanser in the evening or my toothbrush in the morning.

I don’t miss you when I’m studying for a paper or researching on something or when I’m working on an assignment. I miss you when the results are out and I realize I don’t have any one to celebrate with or complain to. Depending on whatever I scored. You would make fun of my terrible grades and encourage me to just quit school since I’m just wasting resources and time doing what I kind of love and kind of hate.

I don’t miss you in the ordinary. I miss you in the extraordinary. In the purest of moments, in the sacred of times, in the intimate of moments. In the ways that should be screamed and paged down. In the moments only you deserved to be missed.

Inspired by stray cats.

Things You Should Stop Doing to Waiters (I noticed from waiting tables)

1. Stop ordering a single thing then another then another. For example, you order tea then when it’s brought you think its a good idea to ask for sausages. After your order is brought you ask for a glass of water then ask for chapati. Please take your time to decide on what you want and place your order once and for all. If you have second thoughts,twice is enough.

2. Stop dropping foods on the table, there’s a reason why there’s a saucer somewhere on that table. In case you didn’t know, that saucer is for placing your wastes nicely. I know they get paid to clean up after you, but how about you use common sense and make their lives easy.

3. Stop being an asshole and talk to them politely. If they have done something wrong,ask them nicely and believe me you will enjoy your meal. Remember that they are also human, and man is to err. If you are having a bad day,don’t ruin someone’s day too. In case you didn’t know, they have feelings too.

4. There’s an unwritten rule somewhere that you should order your food within three minutes of your arrival. If you don’t know what you want, just ask for the chef’s special. It will never disappoint you. And if you didn’t know,its not written in the menu either. Don’t make them stand for more than ten minutes waiting for you to make up your mind.

5. Don’t leave used toothpick on the table. It’s already bad enough that they are cleaning after you. Adding your saliva makes it worse. If you didn’t know,there’s a dust bucket on your way out in every Hotel. And that’s where you dumb your used toothpick dum dum.

6. Don’t sics them like a dog. They kind of have a name and the least you could do is use it. They all have name tags. Instead of siccing them, how about you just wave your hand and you will be attended to.

They are simple etiquette. Just in case your your momma didn’t teach you. I’m humbled to be of help. Now you know .

Inspired by stray cats.

An Open Letter To My Ex Best friend (best thing that Ever happened to me)

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I have been intending to write to you for a while. I guess I was scared that if I put it in words it will actually be my reality. But who are we kidding, it’s already a reality.

You once said that, “you can’t keep safe what’s meant to break”. Apparently you were right, I just DIDNT realize it would happen to us.

You were my forever and I thought I couldn’t live without you. Once upon a time I couldn’t go a day without seeing your face. Now we can go for months without saying hello.

I Cherish all the memories we made and just so you know,no one knows me as well as you do. You kept saying that I’m fake and do pretty dramatic. You were right on that, but you have seen me cry. And that my dear was genuine.

Today I’m down with homa(cold).I remember how you used to make me tea and make sure I stay warm and hydrated on such days. We would watch a series till I fall asleep.

I haven’t forgotten how you did put up with me when I was being a Bitch. You would say ” I can see somebody just laid an egg and her body is probably attacking her”. You did put up with my bitchiness from one moon to the next. This days I get by alone and it sucks.

How you hated my sense of fashion, or lack of for that matter. You would refuse to be seen with me in public lookin all homeless. My hair was a constant disaster that you hated and I just didn’t care. Let’s not even start with how the state of my room used to make you want to cut your head off. And you loved me anyway.

I feel terrible for all those girls you broke up with because of me. How I would stop talking to you because you broke up with I don’t know girlfriend number what. I couldn’t keep tabs since none stayed long enough for me to get acquainted with. But there was that one girl you really loved, her name started with P I guess. I hope someday you will master the courage to tell her how you really feel.

You are the only person I I know who knows what songs to sing along to and what songs to just put on repeat and just chill. You even know the Right series for what mood. Hell, you mastered the art of knowing when to speak and when not to. I haven’t met another like you so far.

All the plans we made for the future. We were to finish school,you get a teaching job then I would move in and watch “Spongebob” or whatever TV show, until I figured out what I really wanted in life. I met you the other day and you asked if I still wanted to move in. I lied that I had a plan. I kind of still want that offer but I just can’t admit.

There were times when our names were synonymous. We were inseparable. Remember that one time we attended my lectures together. Because we just wanted to hangout and you were dating and I had crazy hours. My classmates still think you are my boyfriend. Hilarious, don’t you think?

I miss how we spent our Valentine’s. Every year you got me a red PK and I got you nothing. We would watch a movie and ignore all those love struck fuckers around. I got through Valentine’s without you this year. What were you doing? I don’t know. And now we will never know.

Whatever thing that ruined us can’t be fixed. We both have tried but it’s like something really broke. We didn’t even fight or anything. Something happened, I have no idea what that thing is but apparently we can’t be fixed.

The other day you came by my House. We talked things over and we ended up realizing that we are never going to be in the same page. We don’t watch the same shows any more, we don’t listen to the same type of music, you ditched reading books, you love eggs this days (remember When we both thought that eggs were lame?). Placed in the same room together we will definitely have nothing to talk about.

I’m surprised that your phone is password protected. And I was not allowed to check anything other than play games. How did we get here? Once upon a time I knew every tiny Little bit about you, now I can’t even say more than just your name.

Someday if I meet another Like you,I will definetly take it to the altar. I can’t tell you this but at least I can tell the Internet about you. I miss how we were, but I doubt we can ever be that again. Maybe in the next life.

Inspired by stray cats.