Maybe The Problem Wasn’t All Of My Exe’s, Maybe The Problem Was You

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Once upon I had an “ex” my mom adored. We really didn’t date but hanged out a lot.  Mom had this crazy idea that he was the one for me. She thought he was hardworking, respectful and the kind of man every mother wishes her daughter ends up with. Well, she was right. But he was boring and safe. He wanted to finish school, get a job, get married and climb through the cooperate ladder. He wished to be a CEO someday.  That’s as big as he dreamt.

I really appreciate his bravery of letting me know his dreams. You probably told me this thinking I would want to stay. After he left I devised a plan to push him away. To cut the long story short, my plan worked.

My mom was more devastated that I was in the circus. Who knew? She even said that I will never meet another like him. I was glad and hoped heavens did hear her wishes.

He just got married and to be honest I’m happy for him. I saw the pics online and I felt nostalgic. Maybe I could have stayed, maybe if I could have lived through safe and boring that would have been me. The dress she had would have been the one I would have choose, maybe. Maybe I could have had a church wedding like she did with a garden reception.

My mom called with all the details about the wedding like it was her daughter walking down that isle and I was one of her girlfriends and she was just bragging how perfect the wedding was.  No mom, I’m your friend yes, but do you seriously think I care about that particular wedding? Yes mom, you are right. I care but not for the same reasons that you do. I’m just glad he is following his dreams and I hope one day he will be CEO like he once told me.

Does it bother me that the one guy who could have done anything for me just got married? No it does not.  Does it bother me that she will be the mother of his precious children? No it doesn’t. I don’t want that kind of ending. I learnt this at a very tender age.

I don’t want comfortable and safe. That’s not how I want my happy ending to be. I want passionate, I want unpredictable, I want reckless and dangerous. The kind that makes my head hurt and my heart ache. The kind that makes me feel anything but bored and secure.

Do I want my toothbrush sitting next to someone’s every day? No please. Do I want to watch a movie a chill every other evening after a long day? No. My parents had that. And I’m sure they got bored. Do I want to have a mortgage plan with someone? No. Do I want joint bank accounts? No. My parents had that and I doubt it was rosy for them, ask my mom. I don’t want cozy and safe kind of love.

Maybe that’s why I’m chasing this guy who never gave me comfortable. Who went from asking me to come over and plainly kicked me out. He goes from calling me everyday to ignoring me for months, just because he can. He goes from loving me deeply to hating me with passion. He is a rake, dangerous, reckless and he will definitely be the end of me. It might be a tragic one or a happy one but it won’t be cozy. No matter what angle I look at it. Do we do chill and movie? Sometimes. But we also do tequila shots till it all goes bad and we puke on the cab on our way home. Nothing about him is predictable and nothing about me wants predictable. He is messed up and broken and wrong but he feels so right for me.

Maybe I Will get married one day. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I will want kids and safe someday, maybe I never Will. Maybe I won’t have the overrated endings y’all wish for. I just want passion and reckless for now. I want to be on my toes trying to figure out the next his next move. Keep chasing his love and ending up disappointed or awestruck and sometimes both.  As long as I’m not settling. That’s good enough. And if he ever gets boring then I guess it’s time to go look for another danger, don’t you see?

P.S. congratulations on your wedding. I wish you well.

Inspired by stray cats.

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