Blood stains after your pregnancy test was positive.
Your first thought was to Google, you realized it was pretty normal to bleed during pregnancy. No need to raise alarm.
The bleeding didn’t stop for 24 hours and you thought it’s time to see your doctor.
After examinations and several tests the doctor says as gently as he could”you lost the baby and there’s nothing we can do…..” The doctor kept talking but you didn’t hear a thing after the bomb.
You were in shock and you had no idea how to react. You switched to autopilot and everything thereafter became a blur.
You called your mom, not that you remember. When you got to your place she was there and you were surprised to see her. She hugged you longer than usual and cooked you soup. She was quite the entire evening. Which is odd,your mom never stops talking. She always has something to say.
After the shock, denial settles in. You can’t believe you lost the only thing you have been working so hard for all these years. You are bleeding and mom is taking care of you. She makes sure you take your antibiotics on time and that you have eaten. With every tender gesture from her it reminds you what you have lost. You envy her that she got you after her struggle. She did hold her baby girl after nine months, and what did the deities give you?blood lumps.
Then you started googling about”causes of miscarriage “.Google provided 100 pages worth of results.
After reading through half the results it hits you that several of those causes actually happened to you. Now you are on the blame game. You start blaming yourself from:
That one time you skipped lunch might be the reason you lost your baby. Google has an entire page about missing meals and miscarriage. Maybe that time you forgot to take your IFAS( iron and folic acid supplement) might be the reason. Or was it that time you fought with your boyfriend the reason because it left you so stressed. Or maybe that one time you worked over time is the real reason. Google had a supporting argument with every poor choice you made on your day to day activity. Maybe it’s not the Deities to blame, it’s all your fault, you think.
You can’t sleep at night now. And during the day you are on zombie mode. You have no idea what goes on at work and when you are home your demons won’t let you rest. You wonder what those lumps of blood held,was it a boy or girl?were they twins? How would it have looked like? What would you have named it? Your mind refuses to shut down at night and when you finally fall asleep all you have are nightmares. Not the scary kind of nightmares, the beautiful dreams that pricks on the scabs of your semi healed wounds. You see beautiful babies in your dreams and every time you reach out to hold it something happens and you wake up. You wake to the sad reality that you lost your child.
How can the world be this cruel to you. Will this pain ever stop? Will the wound stop throbbing? Will the bleeding stop? You badly want all these to stop. You have contemplated suicide, more times for the past few days that you had your entire life. Emotionally it hurts, physically it hurts and your heart is breaking.
You wonder how pathetic can your body be and not carry a little being to term. Your doctor said you can try again once you are healed. Are you even strong enough to give it another shot? What if you loose it again? Are you even strong enough to want to try. Is there a handbook of how to handle these kind of thing?
It will be okay. Someday. Maybe not today. I promise.
Just another rumble.