“If you asked me how many times my heart has been broken, I will ask you to look at the sky and count the stars . “
My heart has been broken that many times not because I have love so many times, it’s because I did loose the one I loved so many times. It’s like every time I wake to a reality without him, my heart breaks one more time.
I was never the one to wish or dream of happy ever after,but for him I wanted to take it to the alter. I started dreaming of a white dress. I wanted to walk down the isle with my parents in tow while my Prince awaits to sweep me off my feet for then and forever. Forever and for always.
I never wanted to have babies but for him I would have popped more than one. It’s like my maternal instincts kicked in, instincts I didn’t know I had. I would look him in the eye and get lost to those dreamy eyes and silently hoped to be the mother of his children.
Maybe it was in the way he looked at me. I was a chipped China ware that had lost it’s lustre long time ago. he saw the chipped and the dull but still looked at me like I was the most precious thing under the sun. Imperfect as I was, he loved me anyway.
Maybe it was because I had shown him the ugly (parts of me that I keep hidden) and he didn’t try to save me. He held my hand while I saved myself. He light the way while I walked the walk by myself. When my wings broke, he didn’t offer me his, he showed me that I could walk. That I didn’t need wings, and that my legs were just ask good.
Maybe it’s because he never wanted to change me. He loved me anyway. I was his beautiful mess,his drag Queen. And he was my human diary, my safe place, my 911 and my messed up Prince. You really have to be messed up to love me.
And I loved him even more. He became my source of inspiration. He was my flashlight. And it’s sad that all I could offer him were the broken pieces of what was left of me. All I could give was pain and more pain. All I could give was darkness and depression and cynicism.
Sometimes I lie awake at night will the night, moon and stars to give me a little sign that maybe in another life we really did have a chance. I go on my knees asking The Guy above to give us another chance. Just one more time and I will do everything in my power to fix us. The night offers silence. The moon is shy, let her be. And stars fall, shoot and shine. The night and company ignore me absolutely.
It was too good to be true, it was great until my insecurities kicked in and I started ruining us. There’s a threshold for this game for two, the game of pushing and pulling. It was expected somebody was gonna get tired and let go. In the end someone was bound to walk away.
Now all I have is a bunch of what IF’s, a broken heart and wishes.
Good things don’t end, they end badly.
Just another rumble.