Dear Little sister

I would like to start this letter by wishing you success in your coming Cambridge Exams. Do your best, that’s all that matters. I will still get you that dress I promised, it doesn’t matter what your grades will be. If you impress me, there will be more, obviously. Am sincerely sorry, I didn’t send you a success card. I wanted to but things happen and now I just feel guilty. Someday I hope you will understand. I have been the worst big sister ever, I know. I haven’t showed up every time I promised I would. A phone call alone ain’t enough. I hope to do better in being big sister in future. I was so used to being the only girl before you came along, then you came and I still assumed the only girl role anyway. It hit me today that have been the worst. You deserve better. Anyway, am glad even though I suck in playing big sister, you turned out to be an amazing, hardworking, talented and beautiful girl all the same. 
I want you to know that you are amazing. I like the confidence you ooze and my god, you are a good actress. In all your perfect imperfections you are flawless. When did you grow up so fast. The kind of conversations I have with you scares me sometime. I don’t remember when you were a baby, I swear. It’s like you skipped all baby stuffs and became a grown up in a blink. 
So, as you start your exams. I will go on my knees and ask the Guy above to guide you through. I pray for confidence, wisdom, knowledge and understanding throughout. I have faith you will do well. I have faith you will make momma proud. You will make yourself proud. I know we all did set very high standards that you have no choice but to maintain or smash them. I know the cup is heavy on your shoulder especially when people before you had good grades. I totally get it, I know how you feel. No matter the outcome, you will always be my little sister. Exams are just exams. 
All the best, with love from your big disaster. 

Why Have You Left The One You Left Me For

I don’t understand a thing you do anymore. I thought I had you figured out. I thought you were happy in her arms. I thought she was everything you were looking for. That night you broke up with me, you said you had found someone who completes you. You said she didn’t complete your sentences but she said the right things. You said she didn’t clean as much as I did but she cooked mean pancakes and a decent meal. You said she didn’t push you to be a better man because she already thought you were great. You said she wasn’t sarcastic, every word from her mouth was sincere. She wasn’t a wild woman, she sounded more like dearest mommy. I knew she wasn’t your type but the one you were made to believe you needed. 

When you talked about her, I knew she was all you thought you needed to settle down. She sounded like your mother. She sounded like the type of girl who would bake cookies on Sunday afternoons and walk the dogs every evening. The type of girl who was afraid of wolves and so she made you get some bearskin. She was not the moon, that was me. She did not make you howl like crazy every full moon. She sounded more like honey to your new bearskin. You can’t stop being a wolf you know, no matter how much bearskin you put on. You might have enjoyed the honey, in your new bearskin but the wolf was meant to come out sooner or later. Even in sheep skin they are still wolves. 
So, my untamed wolf, why have you left the one you left me for? You got tired of homemade food? Or was it the curfew that set you off? Why walk away from such a picture perfect love. Even I was jealous because you too looked so good together. You were the textbook power couple. Your love had no surprises. Dinner was served everyday at 8, breakfast at 7. Bedtime was nothing later than eleven. You were living the American dream; a beautiful wife, a decent mortgage plan, a job you hated and a few acquaintances. No one walks away from the American dream my dear, you walking away from me made more sense than you leaving her. Our love was unpredictable, crazy and something out of the World I suppose. We were a wreck and my god I loved every second of it. Mad passionate love, loud and a little violent. Leaving her does not add up, but don’t worry. I understand. 

Welcome back, to the wild and free people. I would love to update you on what’s been going on but I have places I need to be. You will figure out your path. I found my tribe, I hope you find yours too. Word of advice, American dream wasn’t made for wolves like you so don’t think of going down that path again. Here is a raft to keep you alive until you find a solid way to survive( a map, 2000 and bus ticket to wherever). Stay alive my old friend. 

Namaste 

This Is Me Letting You Go


Some stories are forever and some forevers are stories. “
It’s 5:40 in the morning, I slept at 2:30, again. I wasn’t doing anything fun,it was Saturday night a few hours ago that spilled to Sunday morning. I stayed up most part of the night doing nothing fun; I refreshing my newsfeed every ten seconds in social media. Tried reading a book here and there. It wasn’t a typical Saturday night with high heels, lip stick, loud music and my attitude but my typical kind of Saturday night. I know going out would have been a better distraction. It’s cheap, I know, but a night out is sometimes all the therapy you need.
I  choose to stay indoors and do what I do best, over think,  Stalking and reading things online. Saw your pics on Instagram, a few tweets here and there, it gets boring doing nothing on Saturday other than stalking an ex. I went through my gallery and bumped to a few photos of us, the ones that I must have missed when I was deleting you out of my life. Or maybe I left them intentionally because it felt like loosing  us forever. We need something to hold on to, to remind us where we came from sometimes. I know how insane I sound right now, romanizing lost love. But that’s what Saturday nights are made for,anyway. When the sun goes, and it gets dark, my clock reads “over think.” Lately, it doesn’t matter where my thoughts begin, they always end back to you.

 
I committed your face to memory. One day when I’m forty, serving my husband breakfast and fixing myself coffee(now that I would be all grown and stuff)I will be thinking of you. I will probably put myself in a bad mood because my coffee doesn’t reflect the shades of your eyes since I accidentally used excess coffee or maybe because I started doing my coffee with milk and it just can’t get the shades of your eyes right. I mean it’s milk! Or maybe my coffee will always have reflect the shades of your eyes. I will smile, knowing that once upon a time I found you.
I have written a million and one pieces about you,about us,about love. Some I published online, like the asshole that I’m and that I do whatever I want. Some, my favorite pieces are in a place I sometimes I visit sometimes, my diary. I asked someone the other day to go through my online writing and give me their opinion, this is what they said, “however that person is,whom you have been writing about really did a number on you.” Why do people like stating the obvious? Of course you did a number on me.

Sometimes, I still hope it’s me and you in the end. sometimes its really you and me, in my dreams, obviously. Then I wake to a reality without you. I take it one step at a time, one sip of coffee at a time. I’m getting better at committing to a reality without you. I haven’t been able to fully commit to reality without you, but I try to get by. Someone once said, “living is better if the alternative is death because life is fucking precious. ” so I live even though sometimes I feel dead inside. I live on even if it means I need to remind myself to breath.
I have said a million times before that I’m letting you go. That it’s finally time to kiss it goodbye. I’m sure the internet is tired of my rambles about letting you go. I swear every time I wrote a piece about Goodbye at that particular moment I felt that way. That I was ready to let you go. Then something trivial happens like a friend brings you up and I go back to square. I go back to tracing your face with my hands, in my head. I go back to missing you, over think about it then put myself in a bad mood. Same old vicious cycle. Right now,at this moment,  I’m ready to let you go. 
If I keep obsessing about the past, I might miss the chance to fully live in the present. The future is bleak, it might be me and you in the end. Our roads might collide again. Fates have a weird sense of humour, they might make our paths collide one more time, for their amusement. Admit it, we were fun together, if our love was a movie I swear it would have been a classic. We will do what we do best, us.Self destruction as our signature move because we are both stupid. We both think that there’s some cosmic reason of why things are the way they are… and we will be stupid enough to give ourselves another chance. We will console our stupid selves with the typical line of everything happens for a reason. In the end, we will fuck it up more some more,worse than the first time. That’s just us. We thrived in ruining each other. Our love was a beautiful tragedy. It would have made a great love story.
I have been using my emotions less and less this days. I have learnt to control my emotions better. I don’t lash out anymore, I go silent instead. I don’t remember the last time I actually cried. I realized people are just that, people. I stopped manipulating people around me. I don’t even try to influence the decisions of those around me,I don’t even want to do that. I don’t let my hormones control me. I learnt my lessons.The last time I marked territory, the last time I let my hormones come out to play, 

the last time I got all emotional and shit.The last time I was completely human, all naked and flawed I ended up with a Broken heart, 

I ended up with so blood stains on my hands,

There were a few casualties,

I walked away with more than a scratch.

Now I use those things the same way we all spend our last coin. 
I’m a little bit sad,though. My future is a clean slate right now. It doesn’t have an absolute someone and there are outcomes that I don’t know of myself. It breaks my heart a little, that someday I will give my life to someone else, someone who ain’t you and won’t scares me the most is I might even be happy doing it. Makes me weep that it won’t be you that I promise to love from infinity and beyond, that it won’t be your mother and sisters who plan our wedding. That I don’t get all mushy gushy inside when I officially join your family, that I will wear a white dress for someone else. And I won’t be the mother of your children, if I get some in future. That I don’t get to be mad at you over something stupid like leaving the toilet seat up. That I don’t get to be pissed at you for getting us double crust pizza or vice versa because it’s me, and you never got our pizza right, even when I spell it out for you. That I will make a life with someone who is not you. That we don’t get to celebrate your 50th birthday together. That I don’t get to bake you cookies on Sunday afternoon. That I don’t get to pass out on the couch with you on a regular Tuesday because the couch is warm and no one wants to walk to bed because it’s cold and our lazy asses can’t be tortured. We wake the next sore with a promise that we will never do that again. That I Will make memories with someone who ain’t you, and you will do the same with someone who ain’t me. It breaks my heart a little, but it’s for the best. Maybe I won’t even have a someone in my future, maybe I will get to do me all the way like you had predicted.
This morning I’m letting you go, setting you free. Today I’m closing that door completely. Today I will try to fully commit to a reality without you. I’m taking the first step by fixing myself coffee, take a shower, wear a smile and go conquer the world. I’m putting my guard high, I’m erecting the walls of my heart up. Until I find someone worth letting in. Today I promise myself to stop looking for you in everyone. I will stop telling my cousin sister about you. Today I’m going out there, try and live without staring at strangers eyes trying to decipher if they look like yours or what do those eyes lack and yours had. Today, I’m letting you go. I promise to stop using you as a scale of awesomeness on everyone I meet. Today is the beginning of a brand new day.

Dear (lets leave this space for whoever earns it) 

Hey you been thinking about you alot of late. To be honest i miss you like junky looking for a fix. I long too see you. It’s been too long already. I might have antarctic DNA making me cold and detached but sometimes your warm embrace neutralizes this effect. You make me human again so i can feel. 

The hunger within me is unparalleled because my menu is basically you. Don’t get me twisted I’m not some weirdo into caniballism and intends to devour you no. Let me tell you how withdrawal has knee deep in shit. 

Firstly i miss the long conversations   we had and maybe will have in future. Some mind blowing talks edged in the fine line of sense, humor and downright silly. I miss the gentle slap on my back when i have you blushing when i tease you. I miss the genuine sweet smile you always elicit when we are together. 

I met my therapist the other day and was told that i looked gloomy. I said it was just a long day but deep inside i knew that i was missing everything about you. From all the good things to the bad .Basically you are the perfect package and all your flaws are my baggage. Bat shit crazy you are but hey i would never trade you in for sanity. 

The laid back weekends, doing nothing but each other. Felt so good and honestly i thought this shit could never end. The fights and the make ups always a thriller. Always throwing in the towel first in an argument voz i knew you would win anyways. 

I miss writing letters to you. The correspondence made life so fun that technology was jealous of us. Watching you sleep was always awesome because my aftistic mind would always try and imagine what you was dreaming about. 

I miss our walks whereby we would walk for short distances for the longest time ever. I hated your window shopping but i had to suck it up because it made you happy. 

Our drinking escapedes were always awesome. I would always carry you home but i never got mad because you were mine and you had fun to the fullest without a care in the world because you knew i was there. 

You was always my anchor and i could stand anything knowing you were by my side. I could laugh in the face of danger because you was my wonder woman. 

Well nostalgia can be brutal sometimes. Here i wanted to write about the future and all i can do is look back. 

Just my luck

I believe I’m the most unlucky person to ever walk in the face of the earth. This has been proven many at times where my cloud shows a silver lining and for some time, things run smoothly. I guess this is the time taken by life to get her nails done because soon after they done she rips the world from under my feet. I am often left desolate and stressed floating in an abyss of nothingness unable or even unwilling to fight anymore. 

Like a rabid dog she has me chained and often yanks my chain with prospects of a brighter future and in a second it all goes away.She always has me salivating. On good days she lets me have a chunk of the goodlife and allows it so well that it’s left edged in my mind for a long time.On bad days im left beat with all the reminiscing and what ifs trivia in my mind.

I sometimes feel tired ,depressed and angry with all this bullshit .I contemplate on walking out of this abusive relatiinship with life but then,just then my ego kicks in and wont allow her to win so easily.So i live to fight another day knowing full well that another storm is brewing.I use the calm before the storm to reinforce the mind and soul to be able to take whatever comes .I know it will come at some point  strip me bare of my dignity and self respect. Even then i always afford a big ass smile no matter how plastic that shit is. I always find time to make others laugh, help others where they feel down and always show up when needed. 

So with all my bickering and whining i can always afford to be human. Whats your excuse?? 

There is no excuse! 


​In her eyes 
Her beautiful eyes 

I see something so beautiful 

In her eyes I see my reflection

A reflection of my future

Beauty in the way she fell in love with my demons  the same demons I thought she’d fret

That’s why she got me

She says she got me for life 

I don’t know coz our love is illegal

Illegal to the religion to the society 

But who set the standards .

I love her voice

That voice that soothes my demons

Just a lilt and they obey

I love her feline grace

Her ability to dance with my angels

By Barry