The Baby She Wanted

Blood stains after your pregnancy test was positive.Your first thought was to Google, Google gave you a false hope that it’s pretty normal to bleed during pregnancy. There was no need to raise alarm or anything. The bleeding went on for over 24 hours and you thought maybe you should see your doctor for a second opinion. After examinations and several tests you are told it’s nothing serious, go home, take a bed rest for a few days, it will stop. It’s nothing serious, you are assured. As promised, the bleeding stops, business as usual.

After two weeks and a few days, you start bleeding again. You don’t see a doctor, this time you give yourself a prescription. You stay indoors. The bleeding doesn’t stop, so you call your best friend to hangout with you. It gets worse, she takes you to hospital. You faint on the way, and when you finally conscious everyone is acting weird around you. The doctor comes and deep down you know it’s bad news. He says as gently as he can,”you lost the baby and there’s nothing we could have done…..” He keeps talking but you don’t hear a thing.
You are shocked, you don’t know if you should be glad that you alive or cry because you didn’t get to hold your baby. You switched to autopilot, that’s your way of dealing with stress. You always do what needs to be done, your mother didn’t raise you with the spirits of your ancestors to give up easily. Like the responsible adult you have become, you  call your mom, not to cry or anything, it’s because you are expected to.

You get to your place and mommy is there waiting for you. She hugs you, longer than usual. She made you something to eat, lots of soup enough to drown a dinosaur. Mommy sits by you, without saying a word which is odd, she is always talking. Then before she leaves, she tells you, “I understand”.
After the shock, denial settles in. You can believe you lost the only thing you that was suppose to save you. You are bleeding and mom is feeding you antibiotics but still you don’t want to accept that it happened. Especially not to you, you have heard stories about miscarriages,and it was just that, stories.

Then you started googling about”causes of miscarriage “.Google provided 100 pages worth of results.

After reading through half the results it hits you that several of those causes has actually happened to you.

That one time you skipped lunch might have caused you this, that time you forgot to take your IFAS drug might be the reason. Or was it that time you fought with your boyfriend the reason because it left you so stressed. Or maybe that one time you worked over time is the real reason.

Google has left you more confused that anything. You are even considering building a time machine and go back in time to have a do over. You promise not to mess up.

You can’t sleep at night now. And during the day you are on zombie mode. You have no idea what goes on in work and when you are home your demons won’t let you rest. You wonder what those lumps of blood held,was it a boy or girl?were they twins? How would it have looked like? What would you have named it? Your mind cannot shut down and when you finally fall asleep all you have are nightmares. Not the scary kind of nightmares, the beautiful dreams that picks on the scabs of your wounds. You see beautiful babies in your dreams and when you reach out to hold you wake up. It’s all an illusion and your brain is playing with your already broken heart.

How can the world be this cruel to you. Will this pain ever stop? Will the wound stop throbbing? Will the bleeding stop? You badly want all these to stop. You have even contemplated suicide.

You wonder how pathetic can your body be and not carry a little being to term. Your doctor said you can try again once you are healed. Are you even strong enough to give it another shot? What if you loose it again? Are you even strong enough to want to try. Is there a handbook of how to handle these kind of thing?

The baby she wanted, she didn’t get to hold. 

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