Homesick

“Humans are usually in a constant search for a place to call home. “





When I was a little girl, I found safety in words. So i read, alot. Books became my Haven. In books i was a hero, I ruled in that world. In books I lived through so many stories, several lifetimes. I lived through romance, thrills, mystery, investigative, deep love stories, legend stories….. In books i was unstoppable. It was the only place where I felt adequate. 

In books I was not; an annoying little sister, or pathetic little girl that hang on every word dearest daddy said, or the girl mommy wished was a boy because she cut her hair often and didn’t care about shopping, or the girl that betrayed her best friend or a selfish self absorbed brat, or lazy daisy, or daddy’s girl, or my parents favorite kid, or the all dolled up girl who walked around like she was special, or teachers pet… In books I was undefined, I didn’t have a label. I was wild, I lived in the jungle. I was raised by the wolves, bears kept me safe and hunted by lions. In books I was married to a doctor, had kids and cheated on my dead husband with his best friend. In books I saved cities, I saved lives. In books I was everything. So, I made words my home. Some of my favorite stories i read from the Bible; Samson’s story, I was Delilah . I loved  Eve on the creation story. I was the prostitute that washed Jesus feet. Bible stories did fascinate me; I read, retold them and performed some.I looked forward to story time with grandma too, she loved telling stories from the Bible. When she narrated I liked to imagine myself as the villain, sometimes the hero, sometime the underdog…… 

Now words slash books slash poems slash words don’t feel like home, not anymore. They stop making sense when I started spewing them or should I say play with them. When I started writing my story instead of living written stories. I shouldn’t have. I know I shouldn’t. But that’s all I have left. To stay afloat, to stay alive, I write my soul away. Even when I feel homesick. 

All I do all day is long for home. Maybe if I write some more I will feel at home again. Maybe home is one more blog post away. Maybe one more story away. Maybe one more wish away. I already gave up the concept that home might be two arms willing to hold me or a voice on the other end or just another Human being. Let’s be honest, four walls never felt like home as a little girl, it sure won’t be one now. I find solace in the words I whisper to myself late at night, half drunk and half lonely. I find solace in the words I find in music. I find solace in the words I read from stories. They don’t feel like home, but at least they act like Band-Aids. I’m really afraid that one day I will wake up to find that someone ripped off the Band-Aids, hammering the last nail on the coffin. I’m afraid that will seal my fate of being forever homeless. But it hasn’t happened yet, no point worrying about events that may or may not happen. 
I hope to be home someday. I don’t remember the last time I felt safe and warm. I have been walking on eggshells, trying to make sense of why am freezing when it’s sunny, and sad when am smiling. I’m trying to understand why I read books but I’m never a character anymore, just a bored narrator somewhere. Doing everything in my power to stay alive long enough to find this place or thing or whatever they call home. I long for it, I hope to be home someday. 

Apologies

Apologies to myself for always beating myself up.Im sorry self for always cursing when things don’t go our way.For pounding our liver with pint after pint of liquor in an effort to drown God knows what sorrows I think I have .For giving you some wicked endurance exercises just to stroke an ego the size of a peanut.

Apologies to my parents.You brought up a fine young man.He on the other hand decided to just earn a masters in fucking shit up.He quite good at it though.Gave you sleepless nights and lots of stress .I apologize .I may never change but atleast it eats me inside. My cross.

Apologies to my exes .If I hurt any of you I’m sorry.Ah who am I kidding I hurt all of you.I’m a douche what can I say.Good thing some of you deserved it so I tend to sleep well at night and for those who didn’t well love is war and with war there is collateral damage so suck it up and go on get a life .

Apologies to my so called friends.Well you my friends so whatever shit iI come with you bound to encounter.So I’m just sorry for keeping my shit on a short leash .For holding on to my thoughts and other shit.In short I’m sorry for not giving you hell because most of you would have turned tail and run like bitches.

I apologize for wearing your eyes out as you read this piece because whilst I mean every word here you sorry excuse of a human being may never relate. These seem like words to you but to me this is just life in a nutshell.

Dear santa

Hey christmass .welcome you sexy son of a bitch .Been a while.Hows Santa? That fool owes me coz I’ve been good.So tell why you come so cold and expect us to warm our hearts in your spirit .The irony is that when we supposed to be all warm is the coldest season .

Tell me why you was such a big deal when I was young ? Things have changed .Don’t get me wrong its not you its me.You still do your annual thing and spread cheer all around the world. As for me I grew colder and colder ,bet my heart has a few snow flakes stowing in my blood.Hey christmass you used to be the best holiday nowadays you just a day .Growing up will do that to you trust me.

Why don’t I share the cheer? Why do I feel all empty and keep on hating people the more they talk about you? Well I try to search within me but what am I ? A bottomless pit of broken dreams and promises .incomplete , too broken to be mended .My life wouldn’t even pass for comedy its just a sick horror movie.

Oh I digress .was just writing to ask Santa with a 50 calibre rifle because you know deer hunting is my thing these days ha!

User

Ever met these people who only view you as a means to get things done. Who get what they want from you then split the moment they satisfied?  Those social leeches who drain you for your resources and move on swiftly when you no longer of use. Well i have. 

They come to you in the name of friendship and others come in the name of spouses. In the long run they leave you either ruined or full of regret. Human beings who prey on your humanity and kindness. Keep you like a pet and put you down like a wounded horse once you have served your purpose. 

There should be a special corner in hell for such people for them to just burn and remember what kind of scum they are. The fire in their corner should be hotter and VIP torture techniques should be used.

Well I’m no saint either I’m just stating the obvious here. If I deserve the same fate well so be it. Fair is fair right?
  

To The One I Want To Have Forever With

I never thought I would ever want to have forever with any one, then you walked by and I totally changed my mind. How we met and how we came to be is a long story. Story for another day. When you finally write that memoir you have been intending to, I will get your version of how we got here. That’s if you will ever write. Or maybe you won’t. Maybe one night you will be holding our little girl/boy, telling them stories of the good old days, trying to get them to sleep.  Maybe then I will get go hear your version of ‘How I met Your Mother’. I imagine I will be standing on the door, mushy face watching how you two look adorable in his/her room that we painted pink BC that’s how babies room should be. Right that’s instance I will forgive you for that one time in 2016 when you made me stay up all night for a reason I don’t remember, obviously. 

I want to have forever with you, not because you complete me but because you make me want to complete myself. Though there’s a chance you complete me, but that would be me saying I’m incomplete without you. I like to think of myself as complete or you make me think I’m complete. I want to have forever with you because you get me. You just get me in a weird twisted kind of way. I mean we fight and stuff….. But we also like making up, either way. 

I want to walk my adult life with you by my side. Not just the marriage bit or anything. I want to do it all with you.