To The Girl Who Taught Me How To Love 


I met her in high school. She came to my school when we were in form three. Noel, the girl who wore glasses, smiled all the time,hated math, loved music, wrote poems and the girl could sing.Not entirely in that order. I didn’t even know we would be friends because I already had friends.I had a clique of girls to study with,girls I did hangout with and people for gossip. I even had a book club or cult where we met to talk about books, characters and or authors. My social life was active then you came along and taught me otherwise.You taught me love. I don’t remember how we became friends. One minute you were That newcomer with glasses that smiled too much And hated math and the next we were friends. I introduced you to the ‘family’ and you kept your distance anyway. You didn’t really blend in and I respected that. So we did hangout rarely and before we knew it we became inseparable.

To be honest, I have never been close with another human like I was close to you. I told you everything. I looked forward to hanging out together. when we fought I never fought to win or anything but I fought for our friendship. Two different women and one great friendship. I can honestly say we were great friends. I was never afraid as long as I had you by my side.

Remember that time we were accused that we were lesbians. In retrospect, I finally understand why they thought that. We were inseparable. We ate,slept , showered, washed clothes and lived off each other pockets. We hated the same people. Shared private smiles in public. Had inside jokes. Had pet names for each other. We exchanged short notes during prep times. We were literally attached to the hip. I was famous, you were the new girl. How could they not get a good scandal from that? Maybe we should have admitted that we were just to see how far they would have gone with it. I mean, they already ruined our reputation. But we didn’t and that’s in the past. I wasn’t even ashamed apparently. I was pissed that they were raining on our parade. Good thing the rumour didn’t shake our friendship, we got closer more. Except we weren’t allowed to sleep together,it did affect the whole school.

Before you I didn’t know how to give or receive love. I still have issues with receiving love but am getting better at it. You showed me how love is patient. How it’s boring and long. That it’s not flashy and smiles. That it involves boring days,sad moments, picking up someone when they are down, cleaning up after them even when they don’t see the mess. It’s being patient with their flaws and strengthening their strengths. It’s growth. It’s leaving a better person behind. It’s sharing material, spiritual and emotional support. It’s showing up when you expected and when you needed. It’s being there for them.

I remember how you would get me gifts. It was always a surprise . You would have a shy smile on your face with words like,”It’s not much but I got you this and I think you will like it” I was always touched. TTY Thoughtful gifts I must point out from; beautiful diary books, to Notebooks, to well written poems and my favorite is the red bra you got me. It doesn’t fit me anymore but I still have it like a momento. Our friendship might not be active like it used to be but that bra represent something amazing that once happened to me a long time ago. Can you imagine it has been over ten years since we last met?

You made me confident in my writing. I did prose, always. You were the poet, you even did your diary entries in poetry. I wonder, are you still a compulsive writer? You wrote on literally everything. Your hands always had ink. You even wrote on my hands because you just couldn’t help it. Everything about you did fascinate me. 
You had a beautiful voice and you broke hearts with it. Every time you took the stage to do a poem or a song you did always melt hearts, mine included. Hahaha…i can’t believe you weren’t going to stay in my life forever. I thought I would always stretch my hand to reach you. If that wasn’t love in it’s purest I don’t know what is…….

I don’t know what changed and why our friendship died a natural death. Maybe because we finally grew up and life got busy. I don’t know. Maybe because we walked our separate ways. or because we all grew fat. I didn’t know a friendship no matter how solid it couldn’t stand distance or the test of time.
Despite everything else. You taught me how to love. You showed me that I didn’t need to be perfect or have my shit together. You showed me even hormonal teenagers were still loveable. That secrets ruin things. Fighting was allowed. That Love could move mountains. 
I miss you.

Special Thanks To My Brothers And Sisters From The Lake 

Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity. I can honestly say you people have proved to me over and over again that humans are not that far gone. That they can be saved. That humans still have some humanity left in them. It’s either i have been lucky so many times or they are just good people.
Today it kinda proved that you people are just nice. I misplaced my fare read too confused to find it. When the conductor started harassing me a girl, let’s call her Adhiambo offered to pay. When I was a little settled in and found the said money, I tried paying her back but she said I should help someone in future because things happen to everyone.
I walked home thinking how kind people from the Lake have been kind to me. My wife(or the girl I would move in with if we are forty and still single. I also don’t need to have kids because she will have enough for two). I’m talking about my soul sister or soulful as it gets…Vinerose. The only girl whom I know got my back more than anyone and she even defends my honour when am not around. she was my roommate in campus and no girl alive has got me out of the line of fire more times than I care to count. I know she can take a bullet for me but I would rather die than let the most beautiful soul die in my stead. And just so you know she is a Luo. 

My English teachers through and through have been Luo’s. Sorry for embarrassing you with all the bogus blogging have been doing. You people did a good job. Thanks for making love books. Thanks for the free books. Thanks for all the unlimited opportunities of writings y’all all separately and independently gave me. Thanks for believing in me enough to give me a chance to create. None of you teachers ever asked me to change my style. You actually made me believe in myself. I might be embarrassing your efforts online but bare with me.
Then all the times a stranger or a friend came through for me,it has always been people from the Lake. Marya and Collins made my attachment bearable. My first day was horrible but you two made me feel at home or as at home as hospitals could feel and not just another outsider that showed up late for her attachment with some lame excuse. Not entirely lame because this is Kenya and exams are legit reasons to miss anything even open court. But what do I know? You two were the safety net that he got me through the hellish three months. you had no obligation to hold my hand but you did it so selflessly. Does it have anything to do with being a Luo? 
I have walked into offices looking for one thing or another and all the time it was a Luo in office I got instant assistance. I’m not Luo so there’s no way that it has anything to do with being one of their own. 
There was a girl from our class called Jenny. I was lucky to know her in a personal level. When she loved, she loves for real. When she hated, it was for real. She was never a pretender. Then you wonder why I respect Luo’s and admire them in equal measure?

Haven’t met anyone with I integrity more than a Luo. Their pride comes with integrity, hardwork and selflessness. They don’t even cheat in exams. They don’t steal. most are not corrupt. And they are loyal as fuck. You have found a real friend or real enemy if it’s someone from the Lake. They are not beggars. They are givers. They live by what they make. They might be good with their voice and throwing Stones but it is always for something they honestly believe in. Something they have earned. They don’t steal from anyone so they wonder why someone would short change them and when they retaliate then it’s never a pretty picture. 
Respect to all Luo’s out there!!

An Open Letter To The Generation That Raised Millennials 

Everyone below 35 is somewhat a Millennial but 30somethings aren’t that affected. I will stick to talking for twenty somethings because I understand the full capacity for being misunderstood. I feel like Jack in the Titanic where the only thing keeping me afloat is a darn piece of wood. Barely surviving. I know what’s like to be a twenty something these days.
First I want you to know that we are not lazy. We are probably depressed that’s why we sometimes sleep our life away. We hide in our rooms because we are not emotionally equipped to hangout with people all the time, some of us need time alone to get by. We like being left alone to sought out our emotions just in case you haven’t noticed we have so much to deal with.We are the Generation that was raised with house helps,cartoon and the internet. we are the Generation that our parents were too busy working they didn’t get to actually get to know us. we are the Generation that was raised with parents, broken homes, unavailable parents and excess homework. Then you wonder why we have so many issues. daddy’s issues, mommy’s issues, anxiety, depression, abandonment issues, bipolar, neurosis and other issues that only therapist can pronounce. Yes. We are fucked up.No ma’am I just can’t get over depression or anxiety. No ma’am I just can’t stop cross dressing I feel confident wearing ‘men clothes ‘ and I would rather do lipstick even though am a boy. I can’t get over by being in love with same gender and it’s not something you pray about. If you think we created all these issues for ourselves remember that you the people that Raised us. We literally inherited and or copied them from you. What does that say about your parenting skills if we are lazy with unending issues?
Yes. We invented selfies and active social media life.But you the Generation that ruined the system. You ran down workers unions, inflated the economy, ruined pension, increased interest on students loan, made college extremely expensive and still managed to make policies that only suits you. I would rather sleep peacefully with our Instagram and selfies than lie in your bed of leaving  “terrible children for our earth and horrible earth for our children.” By terrible children I mean not full functioning humans because of unending mental health issues.

Yes. We are broke. We still ask for rent or live at home because whatever you did to the economy to get rich is exactly what’s making us poor. For starters, the Constitution that you adopted…a small country like Kenya to have 47 counties,what were you thinking? How did you imagine you would pay salaries and allowances by the way? The wage bill that was suppose to make our lives a little bit liveable you tamed it in Parliament because it doesn’t work for you. Why did you run down workers union and replaced it with bloody sucking soul crashing pyramid schemes with the name of professional but boards to run the show? Oh and you did this through the act of Parliament, so now that’s law and we can’t do anything about it. We have our degrees, our diplomas, our Masters with no hope for employment. A single job gets an average of 50 applicants for one position.Yes,you think we should start our own business… with what capital when we have HELB on our necks and you get listed on CRB with an Mshwari loan of 200 ksh. Business premises have ridiculous Goodwill rates and high rent it will be a miracle to survive out there. How do you people sleep at night? Corruption on the rise. You take the saying man eat society literally. You honestly don’t care.


No. We don’t think we are entitled. Your little survey on how we switch careers, write blog posts like this and constantly complain doesn’t hold any water. Look at the pot calling the kettle black. You the Generation that runs on titles. You want to be the who’s and who’s it doesn’t matter how many toes you stepped on. You steal everything just to make a name for yourselves. Public funds disappear, office funds disappear, employees privilege funds ran dry. You only care about how much you and your buddys get out of everything. You even have the guts to ask for sexual favors and or bribes for the limited jobs available and you call us selfish? What tinted glass are you people viewing the world from BTW? I would like to see what you see when you see us but from where we are standing….. we weep for you.Its pity. Again she asks…how do you sleep at night? If we have sugar babies all over it’s because you created an environment that supports that stop condemning us for your mistakes. 

Listen to me. we want to get married, have a family someday and even kids. The reason why we not dating just having sex and moving on is because we can’t even afford dating. How will we afford a home and have kids? We can’t even pay for wedding, remember the couple that did a wedding worth 100 ksh? Yes. Those are Millennials and you were all over social media trying to save them. In case you didn’t notice,most of us are going through the same.The only way I can reach my significant other is through the phone and we can’t afford to see each more than once a year. No. We can’t move in together because we are poor. You think we haven’t explored our options and wondered what a time to fall in love. Yes. What a time? We want to have all those things because other than NB being Millennials we are basic human beings. We say we won’t have kids because we can’t afford and when we do I have a feeling it might be too late. It’s not a badge of honor to be broke. Unlike you, we want to give our children better lives and when we see our shortcomings will only fuck them up then the wise thing to do is not have them.
We have a lot of cleaning up to do. Maybe we should start a revolution. Maybe we should publish blogs and get on with our lives and hope someday we will fix all the things you broke. Maybe we will actually do the right thing and save ourselves and our children. We might even save our planet from your sins and global warming. Yes, we will make our mistakes but I hope somehow it won’t be this bad to be a twenty something in future. I hope the transition of the world into a global village will produce positive results someday and things won’t be That bad for the next generation. For now we make do with what we have and hope to God we see another day.
Funny thing as much as you screwed us we won’t revenge when you finally retire that’s if you ever now that you retire at 60 with a hefty pension and get hired again as experts or run for political posts and heaven knows what. As in you never really retire. Not for sure. I digress.

LEAVE ME BE A WOMAN

In a society facilitated by men,I just want to be a woman. Don’t corrupt my feminine space with masculine energy. I am a woman and that is enough. I deserve to be worshiped,to be pursued. To be taken care of. To be protected. To be loved. I don’t want to be the cliche Miss independent. I need to be owned. To belong. I just want to be a woman. To nurture.To make a home. To Queen. To seduce. To be a goddess. I am confident enough to know that as much as the patriarch is facilitated by men their universe revolves around the feminine.

An awaken woman is not one who wants to be like a man. An awaken woman is one who embraces femininity. She knows it is her role to be a woman. To heal. To nurture. To take care of humanity. To be a helper. To provide space for the masculine to work. To motivate and be the force that pushes forward the masculine. To be sensual. To give the masculine reason to live on. To make him confident enough to take on the world with one hand as long as she is holding the other. To make him think of how he is going to please when he is not with her because that is the feminine space she created. To build an empire together because it is so much better than a kingdom or a queendom. To be his empress, his queen, his goddess. To be a woman, nothing but female.

I want to be a woman, sway my hips under the full moon and let him howl and pursue me. Let him be the wolf while am the she-wolf. Let him be the he Alpha and I the she alpha. Let him be the predator and I the prey. Let him dominate while I submit. There is power in surrender and in the right arms it is very safe to surrender. It is not a weakness to be dominated but strength  To give someone the ultimate power over you is liberating. My view of femininity is skewed to surrender and I don’t apologize.

In the game of chess the Queen main role is to protect the King while The king is to protect the empire. Command his subjects to war. Why is it so bad when all I want to do be a Queen. while he runs the our empire I run his life. That is how it works. Whilethe whole world bows for him and he bows for me. A king should only bow to his king while his subjects bows before him.

Being a woman is about lying on his right hand while his left hand is between my breasts just the way I like it. It is forehead kisses and protective back hugs when you not looking. It is about preparing his favorite meal four times a week and rubbing his back. It is about spoiling your man and he spoiling you. It is about manicured nails while his stay rough. It is about learning to work with knives while he masters the sword. It is about trusting your man enough to lead you home. It is about letting him build a house and you making it a home.It is about burning incest while he burns gas.

Masculine energy is about the big picture while feminine is about the fine details. I imagine what you can create when the two come together and build something? Let him pay rent and she groceries. Let him buy the car and she get the rosary or whatever to make the car homey. Let him till the lands and she work on the gardens. Let him handle the goals of the business and she the objectives. Let him handle bigwig client meetings and her the board and staff. Let him take the business international while she perfects the ground work. It is beautiful when we let everyone play their role, capitalize on our strengths instead of learning to improve our weaknesses when we can have someone do it.

I don’t want to be independent I just want to be a woman. I know my strengths and weaknesses are necessary for an empire. I don’t think encroaching on the masculine and trying to be a man is moving forward but backward thinking.

If you are a woman out there trying to be a man please stop. I can’t help you though. I hope you realize thinking like a woman is the only thinking you should be doing. I hope you someday realize these and start embracing your femininity instead of fighting it. There is power in being a woman that is why the whole damn world rebvolves around us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THINGS ABOUT BEING A WOMAN I WANT MY LITTLE SISTER TO KNOW

She will be turning 15 in June. I compiled a list of things I want her to know about being a woman, growing up, sisterhood and all femininity. Besides, that is what big sisters are for.I learned the hard way so she doesn’t have to. Though I am sure some f these lessons she has to walk the mile to actually get it.

  1. You only have one chance of having a soul sister. You will find sisterhood probably  a couple of times;in high-school, in campus and thereafter. But you only got one chance in having a soul sister. A best friend. Your person. Your to go person. Your rock. Your anchor. When you meet this special woman, the Ann to your Leslie. Pay the price and keep her. You will need her to survive. You will need her in your highest, lowest and other moments. You are lucky if you already have her, let your journey to forever begin. A platonic deep relationship with another woman is better than your greatest love story. When you come of age, you will appreciate his part bout being a woman.
  2. Y

I THINK AM IN LOVE WITH BIKO ZULU

The day I met BIKO ZULU, I found god. I started believing in the divine again. And just so you know I haven’ met him physically. I met him through his blog posts and i love what am seeing. My therapist thinks it has everything to do with my unending daddy’s issues since the guy is closer to 40 than he is to 30.what do i know? He had me at his blogging

The guy could be writing about Italian shoes or the beauty of Kericho our mother land and he still blows my mind. I think I love him  because he has mastered his craft. Anyone who gets to master their craft makes them so damn attractive. They glow better than the shiniest diamonds, the prettiest pearls and the brightest stars. It is a force to reckon. Mastering a single craft is like an alchemist finally filtering gold from iron. You  walk around with some ‘swag’ like you know some secret of the universe no one else seem to have. it is beautiful. It is divine. It is so damn inspiring. You glow the way all things pure and all things divine do.It is so goddamn god like.

Someday I would like to be that good. Find my inner alchemist. Find my goddess self. My lover calls it; finding your tempo. Finding your song and it is so darn divine. It has some spirituality touch. IT IS LIKE DANCING WITH THE GODS.

 

 

 

I Don’t Need Saving 

I have been burned to the third degree. Felt helpless. Cried myself to sleep a couple of times. Drunk too much. I have been miserable. I have been very miserable. I would like to blame life. I would love to blame Mother Nature. I would like to Blame life. I would like to blame everything and everyone but me. But in the end, all I have is myself to blame. The choices I made. The places I left my heart. The persons I  let my heart believe in. The shooting stars I let all my hopes and dreams believe in. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything comes back to me. 
When I tell you I don’t need saving…. You have to believe me. I might seem like a mess, a beautiful mess but I didn’t stumble to be a mess. I made choices, some bad, some good and others were just choices. Every morning I woke up and instead of coffee I did tea. Instead of working,i slept. Instead of smiling I frowned. Instead of calling my family and friends I let their calls go to voicemail. Every yes instead of no and vice versa. Every decision I made led me here. It might seem like I don’t add up to much. You might think I could be more only if you saved me. You are entitled to your opinion, beliefs and perception. 
Here’s the good news, I don’t need saving. You get what you see. if you don’t like it, leave it. Don’t think for a minute that you could save me. Try saving yourself when you still can. Save the world if you can. Take me as I am, flaws and all. Bad choices and all. Mediocre at best and all. I can’t change even if I tried. I can’t run even if my life depended on it. 
Sometimes you are 22 and you think you have everything figured out. Sometimes you are  23 and walking down the isle in white. Sometimes you are 24 without a career. Sometimes you are stupid and fall in love again. I mean, nothing seem to be a sure bet. Then you fall in love once again and you hope to The Guy above that they take you as you are. That they don’t try saving you. That they understand that it’s been a long time being you that you can’t stop. That they get that you are weird, broken and jaded and they don’t try fixing you. It’s alot of work to be broken you know. Because you really don’t need saving, maybe some love.