It was one fine Sunday, Paul, one fine lady was having a little lazy morning. Yes. Her name was Paul. An unusual name for a female,a usual male given name. Growing up kids made fun of her for having a male name but that was long time ago. Now she is a woman and she made peace with it. She is even proud of her name. She somehow used it in her favor, or so she claims, how?I don’t know. Her best friend Pauline had come over and the girls were catching up on the weeks event. It’s a girl thing
“So how was your week Pauline?”
“Amazing, Charles from the office asked me out.”
Half listening Paul.
“What did you say?”
“I said no.”
“You look distracted Paul. Are you okay?”
“I guess. I just feel weird.”
“Hormonal weird or sick weird?”
Only a girl can understand a girl that much
“Something in between”
“You either pregnant or on your periods.”
“Hahaha I can’t be pregnant. Am on the pill, duh”
“Pill pregnancy is a thing. When was the last time you had your periods and how exactly do you feel?”
“Tired. Sleepy. Dammit and have been peeing often.”
“What? You are the nurse here. What do you think is happening to your body?”
“Shit! Points to pregnancy. There’s some kit somewhere in this house. I better find out for sure “
Paul takes the test. It’s positive. She is thirty. Pregnant doesn’t seem like such a bad thing,maybe this is it. I mean she had a good job,a supportive boyfriend and good friends, her best friend Pauline has always been there. She even thinks Pauline will make a great aunt and godmother to her unborn baby. The child she was carrying will have an okay place to grow up in. They(her and Wayne her boyfriend) weren’t trying for a baby but here they were.
Since she confirmed she was pregnant, she started taking extra care of herself. She realized that she wasn’t just living for herself but for two now.
Wayne was thrilled. Everyone at work was excited for her . It wasn’t such a bad thing, she thought. Her boss was being nice since she realized Paul was carrying a baby.She felt a little guilty for getting pregnant without a ring on her finger. She knew her mother will be a little disappointed but she also knew dearest Mommy will come around, she always does. I mean that’s what mothers do. Even though she is having a child out of wedlock, her first child should count for something. It’s special and she had never disappointed her before. Besides she wasn’t getting any younger after all. she can’t believe she will be a mother soon, motherhood didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
Six months into it and she miscarried. She took her IFAS supplements, she attended pre natal clinic, she reduced her working hours, she was off alcohol… generally she took care of herself but somehow she miscarried. Her baby that defied science and nature the first time also defied the rules of pregnancy and left her wounded. She didn’t get to hold the baby . She went through the motions of recovery; depression, insecurity and finally acceptance.
One year down the line they decide to try again. Wayne had witnessed what she went through, it somehow changed her, even their relationship felt strange. You can’t go through such a thing and survive without a little change. .
She gets pregnant, she is off the pill, not some miracle baby that defied science or anything. She doesn’t even tell people. They all notice later own. She takes extra care of herself. On her labour, she smiles, even proud of herself, she is looking forward of holding her baby, it’s a surprise, she didn’t want to find out the sex of the baby.
“It’s a girl”, the doctor announces. She smiles.
“Can I hold her?”
“Still birth . Sorry. You don’t have to do this “.
Madness takes over. She screams. She shouts. She wants to hold her baby. Labor is madness and still birth is worse. The doctor surrenders and gives it to her. She sobs for her baby. She mourns for her baby. A baby she didn’t get to hold…….
She broke it off with Wayne.
She stopped talking to her best friend
She isolated herself.
She quit her job.
She went to India, there is magic in India, she was told. To find her chi.
Now she is a yoga instructor.
After what she had been through….