The Girl That Gave Me Pause 

Once upon a time in the land faraway I met a girl, the once in a lifetime kind of people. I can’t describe her even if I wanted, she was most things, diabolic comes to mind since complicated is cliché. This girl I speak of is nothing cliché, that much is clear. Today(a year ago to be precise), I thought about her, about something she once said. That was during my self destructive days. Well, usually I’m self destructing but those were worse times. I could say, darker times. She said something that gave me pause. 

In her own words;” BTW the only reason you are working hard to ruin your life is because the only person that you thought mattered decided to make you feel invisible. Well, ruining yourself won’t make you visible either. Get your head from the gutter and take charge of your life anyway. ”


It’s not the words that gave me pause, it’s the way she said it. Of course those words made sense and cut me deep in a wake up call kind of way, they make a lot of sense even right now. 
She is among those people who live in their heads, they don’t share their thoughts and rarely offer advice. So, when she said those words to me, it gave me pause. I knew she had thought about it for a while, and they weren’t meant for comfort or advice. More like facts.
Eventually, I reduced the rate of my self destructive ways, or so I told myself. There was no Happy ever after for me or anything dramatic of course. This is real life,lower your expectations. Today, when those words came rushing back to me, I realized my mistake. I went down that self destructive road because I had given someone(dearest daddy) so much power, trusted that they would always have my back and all. I was wrong, still am, the only person who got your back all the way is just you. The person who stares back at you when you look into the mirror.
If memory serves me right, I didn’t build walls around me from nothing. I think every brick was handed to me by somebody, either intentionally or not,it doesn’t really matter.  But the foundation, that was from those darker times or maybe before, we can’t really depend on memory. Well, I didn’t become not so a nice person from nowhere, after all. My friends call me selfish, I like to think of it as selfless love towards one self. I’m not narcistic, if I were, I think I would know. Maybe a little Self absorbent, but nothing chronic, it could be cured by everyone leaving me alone, mostly. 


My Daughter

From the best lilies pure and white, God fashioned your lovely skin
He took snow, picked black for your momma’s skin color and chose the eyes
A softer, sweeter mouth that carries the golden smile to light our days was made
He picked the best rose flower, pink and sweet and touched it to your dimpled cheeks
He curled and shaped your little ears
He gathered pollen from the flowers and sprinkled them on your skin to spice your skin color
You are a precious little angel, with sweetness from above who fills our years with laughter
My daughter when you are grown,
Don’t go looking for men to buy you Mac Lipsticks, serve yourself with coffee and work on driving a Merc
Don’t hold your lips in or make them thin because beauty is not a shape but a mind set
You should always know that the world will desire you if only you desired yourself
Always have in mind that craziness ranges from art to misplaced grammar and drama and that brings out creativity
You should always know that taking nudes will not win hearts but will only create feuds with your inner self
My daughter when you are grown, don’t go crying for an imperfect nose because the nose isn’t meant to be beautiful but to breath
My daughter when you are grown, take honey for a complement for your momma was a bee and she taught you to make sweet nice honey
My daughter when you are grown, never fear pressure, take it with your stretched hands for pressure makes diamonds and shine your way all to the top
My daughter when you are grown, and the opportunities are scarce just take the odds and they will always add to an even
My daughter when you are grown, always remember the spiders are computer illiterate but they are the best web designers, meaning no one should undermine you
Make yourself a productive field for your husband and let him treasure you like the gold mines in Congo
Never rush to make decisions but always sit back and use your Ubongo
My daughter when you are grown never fight for the obvious but make the sacred obvious
Value your boyfriend but don’t let him stretch your legs if you are not willing, always remember that everything has got some damn consequences
Never get deceived by careers, follow your heart because many are doctors whose wives are patient but they never take them for a treat
Don’t dream for a honey moon in Rome but always dream of getting a home for yourself
My daughter when you are grown, don’t let people love you for your hips but what’s between your ears
My daughter you should never be bitter because we never made it in life, remember you are the flavor to make our life sweeter
©2017, #ItutorPoetry

An Open Letter To The Generation That Raised Millennials 

Everyone below 35 is somewhat a Millennial but 30somethings aren’t that affected. I will stick to talking for twenty somethings because I understand the full capacity for being misunderstood. I feel like Jack in the Titanic where the only thing keeping me afloat is a darn piece of wood. Barely surviving. I know what’s like to be a twenty something these days.
First I want you to know that we are not lazy. We are probably depressed that’s why we sometimes sleep our life away. We hide in our rooms because we are not emotionally equipped to hangout with people all the time, some of us need time alone to get by. We like being left alone to sought out our emotions just in case you haven’t noticed we have so much to deal with.We are the Generation that was raised with house helps,cartoon and the internet. we are the Generation that our parents were too busy working they didn’t get to actually get to know us. we are the Generation that was raised with parents, broken homes, unavailable parents and excess homework. Then you wonder why we have so many issues. daddy’s issues, mommy’s issues, anxiety, depression, abandonment issues, bipolar, neurosis and other issues that only therapist can pronounce. Yes. We are fucked up.No ma’am I just can’t get over depression or anxiety. No ma’am I just can’t stop cross dressing I feel confident wearing ‘men clothes ‘ and I would rather do lipstick even though am a boy. I can’t get over by being in love with same gender and it’s not something you pray about. If you think we created all these issues for ourselves remember that you the people that Raised us. We literally inherited and or copied them from you. What does that say about your parenting skills if we are lazy with unending issues?
Yes. We invented selfies and active social media life.But you the Generation that ruined the system. You ran down workers unions, inflated the economy, ruined pension, increased interest on students loan, made college extremely expensive and still managed to make policies that only suits you. I would rather sleep peacefully with our Instagram and selfies than lie in your bed of leaving  “terrible children for our earth and horrible earth for our children.” By terrible children I mean not full functioning humans because of unending mental health issues.

Yes. We are broke. We still ask for rent or live at home because whatever you did to the economy to get rich is exactly what’s making us poor. For starters, the Constitution that you adopted…a small country like Kenya to have 47 counties,what were you thinking? How did you imagine you would pay salaries and allowances by the way? The wage bill that was suppose to make our lives a little bit liveable you tamed it in Parliament because it doesn’t work for you. Why did you run down workers union and replaced it with bloody sucking soul crashing pyramid schemes with the name of professional but boards to run the show? Oh and you did this through the act of Parliament, so now that’s law and we can’t do anything about it. We have our degrees, our diplomas, our Masters with no hope for employment. A single job gets an average of 50 applicants for one position.Yes,you think we should start our own business… with what capital when we have HELB on our necks and you get listed on CRB with an Mshwari loan of 200 ksh. Business premises have ridiculous Goodwill rates and high rent it will be a miracle to survive out there. How do you people sleep at night? Corruption on the rise. You take the saying man eat society literally. You honestly don’t care.

No. We don’t think we are entitled. Your little survey on how we switch careers, write blog posts like this and constantly complain doesn’t hold any water. Look at the pot calling the kettle black. You the Generation that runs on titles. You want to be the who’s and who’s it doesn’t matter how many toes you stepped on. You steal everything just to make a name for yourselves. Public funds disappear, office funds disappear, employees privilege funds ran dry. You only care about how much you and your buddys get out of everything. You even have the guts to ask for sexual favors and or bribes for the limited jobs available and you call us selfish? What tinted glass are you people viewing the world from BTW? I would like to see what you see when you see us but from where we are standing….. we weep for you.Its pity. Again she asks…how do you sleep at night? If we have sugar babies all over it’s because you created an environment that supports that stop condemning us for your mistakes. 

Listen to me. we want to get married, have a family someday and even kids. The reason why we not dating just having sex and moving on is because we can’t even afford dating. How will we afford a home and have kids? We can’t even pay for wedding, remember the couple that did a wedding worth 100 ksh? Yes. Those are Millennials and you were all over social media trying to save them. In case you didn’t notice,most of us are going through the same.The only way I can reach my significant other is through the phone and we can’t afford to see each more than once a year. No. We can’t move in together because we are poor. You think we haven’t explored our options and wondered what a time to fall in love. Yes. What a time? We want to have all those things because other than NB being Millennials we are basic human beings. We say we won’t have kids because we can’t afford and when we do I have a feeling it might be too late. It’s not a badge of honor to be broke. Unlike you, we want to give our children better lives and when we see our shortcomings will only fuck them up then the wise thing to do is not have them.
We have a lot of cleaning up to do. Maybe we should start a revolution. Maybe we should publish blogs and get on with our lives and hope someday we will fix all the things you broke. Maybe we will actually do the right thing and save ourselves and our children. We might even save our planet from your sins and global warming. Yes, we will make our mistakes but I hope somehow it won’t be this bad to be a twenty something in future. I hope the transition of the world into a global village will produce positive results someday and things won’t be That bad for the next generation. For now we make do with what we have and hope to God we see another day.
Funny thing as much as you screwed us we won’t revenge when you finally retire that’s if you ever now that you retire at 60 with a hefty pension and get hired again as experts or run for political posts and heaven knows what. As in you never really retire. Not for sure. I digress.

I Want To Have Your Babies

In the 22 years have been roaming this godforsaken planet, I have been unsure about many things. I have had my doubts about religion, governments, the system and a bunch of shit I do not remember. Despite being the biggest doubting Thomas of the century, I have only been sure of one thing; NO KIDS FOR ME. It did not matter what the religion of  mother demanded or the beliefs of my mentor. Even when the pastor from the church dearest dad sometimes attended preached that our purpose on earth was to fill it or words to that effect, I was not swayed. As a little girl, mom said I was never big on cuddles and hugs.  Now as a young adult, the idea of being responsible for another being is scary but it doesn’t scare me if it will be him by my side. That kind of commitment is too much since am a self proclaim flight risk.  Recently my parents had another child and am still appalled by their decision. Anyway, I think they take ‘GO FILL THE EARTH’ literally. However, what do I know? While my friends are getting babies am adopting wine bottles and stone pets. While they are getting married am looking for more TV shows to watch and high heels to rock on their weddings. In addition, while they are settling down and building a simple life for themselves, am caressing the atlas wondering where the roads should take me. I know too well that all I need is a one-way ticket and I will be out of this place in a minute.

Then again, when you think you have everything figured out life sends you a surprised, this time round it was blood and bone wrapped in flesh and smart as fuck. he makes me wanna ditch the maps, throw caution to the wind and just marry him. If he asks me to marry him with nothing a grass made ring. He calms my chaos and fuels my passion. He makes settling down and building a home together seem like an adventure and not entirely giving up maps and the world.

He makes me feel like a natural woman. My womb is craving to carry  the seeds of his loins. Our kids will have my eyes and I hope they get his voice and intelligence. A cross between my vague memory and his detailed mind should amount to something. I hope good grades are gene transmitted  since our kids will need his flawless school record in case I actually take them to school. I hope the laziness gene skips one generation, it is bad enough to have a lazy mother am sure lazy kids will be tragic.  I hope they get his multi lingual capabilities. I hope they have his skin color and my perfect eyebrows. One thing should skip a generation, sarcasm and eye rolling. The last thing I want is for my daughter to roll her eyes at me and my son to drop words that reek of sarcasm every time we have a fight. Mommy should roll eyes and daddy to reek of sarcasm. 

Then again, as much as having his babies seems appealing I do not think it’s the greatest of ideas. I have had better in the past; reverse sea world where dolphins pet humans is much better than us being parents. Unless we raise them homeless, on the road, with no solid roots and decent education.  We will probably make them gay or gypsies. One thing I will make our daughter is to be a free woman. I will show her how to run with the moon and chase wolves. It will be his duty to teach our sons the ways of wolves and the free people. 

Will You Marry Me

“Am willing to play ball, if a ring is promised”

I promise to be everything she expects from a daughter in-law. You said you come from a very respectable Christian family. I will go to church and get baptized. I hope joining the choir won’t be going a little overboard. Anyway am joining the choir. I love music, I don’t have a singing voice. A girl can play a little you know. I don’t care, as long as it earns me points. If your mom will nod with approval, why not?So, if she favours me, will you marry me? 

I promise I will learn how to cook good food.when I meet your mom I will pretend to love cooking. Maybe I should add cooking on my non existent list of hobbies, that’s not a little over board… . I will even lie that I spend my free time cooking, make up stories of baking Cookies with my dearest mommy and stuff. Possibly exaggerate a little on some bullshit recipe that grandma taught mom and that mom taught me. I will even suggest we try it in her kitchen. Pray  she turns the offer down. The last thing I need is blowing it. That would mean embarrassing my non cooking mostly dead ancestors. I don’t know why I think that would be embarrassing. Maybe it got something to do with washing dirty linen in public. But grandma didn’t love cooking and she wasn’t embarrassed about it.  Let’s not get sidetracked here, the goal is to win your mom over, any way. I need to know, Will you marry me then? 
If you wondering how far am willing to go. Dearling, the answer is as far as it takes. I am a woman, one who never backs down when she sets her eyes on something (you marrying me).  This girl is unstoppable. I will play this game like a Russian roulette. I play to win. So before I make my first step, before I start. Will you marry me if i get your mom to play?  Because dealing, it takes two to tango. I can win her over but Will you marry me? 
Reasons Why I Considered Marrying You

  • I want a ring
  • I want a ring
  • I want to go to Paris
  • I want to go to Paris
  • You love someone else, so a marriage of convenience will do. 
  • I want go get my mom off my back. 
  • I want a big ring, one I can pur on Instagram. A ring big enough to be Instagram Worthy. 
  • You don’t talk much, I could use a little silence right now. 
  • I don’t care about you, so it will work out think. 
  • Ooh.. And the only challenge is to get your mom to Like me. Challenge accepted. 

So, if I fulfill the quest, will you marry me? I need to know. If your mom gives us her blessing, will you pop the question? In Paris with an Instagram Worthy ring, that is!  

The Baby She Wanted

Blood stains after your pregnancy test was positive.Your first thought was to Google, Google gave you a false hope that it’s pretty normal to bleed during pregnancy. There was no need to raise alarm or anything. The bleeding went on for over 24 hours and you thought maybe you should see your doctor for a second opinion. After examinations and several tests you are told it’s nothing serious, go home, take a bed rest for a few days, it will stop. It’s nothing serious, you are assured. As promised, the bleeding stops, business as usual.

After two weeks and a few days, you start bleeding again. You don’t see a doctor, this time you give yourself a prescription. You stay indoors. The bleeding doesn’t stop, so you call your best friend to hangout with you. It gets worse, she takes you to hospital. You faint on the way, and when you finally conscious everyone is acting weird around you. The doctor comes and deep down you know it’s bad news. He says as gently as he can,”you lost the baby and there’s nothing we could have done…..” He keeps talking but you don’t hear a thing.
You are shocked, you don’t know if you should be glad that you alive or cry because you didn’t get to hold your baby. You switched to autopilot, that’s your way of dealing with stress. You always do what needs to be done, your mother didn’t raise you with the spirits of your ancestors to give up easily. Like the responsible adult you have become, you  call your mom, not to cry or anything, it’s because you are expected to.

You get to your place and mommy is there waiting for you. She hugs you, longer than usual. She made you something to eat, lots of soup enough to drown a dinosaur. Mommy sits by you, without saying a word which is odd, she is always talking. Then before she leaves, she tells you, “I understand”.
After the shock, denial settles in. You can believe you lost the only thing you that was suppose to save you. You are bleeding and mom is feeding you antibiotics but still you don’t want to accept that it happened. Especially not to you, you have heard stories about miscarriages,and it was just that, stories.

Then you started googling about”causes of miscarriage “.Google provided 100 pages worth of results.

After reading through half the results it hits you that several of those causes has actually happened to you.

That one time you skipped lunch might have caused you this, that time you forgot to take your IFAS drug might be the reason. Or was it that time you fought with your boyfriend the reason because it left you so stressed. Or maybe that one time you worked over time is the real reason.

Google has left you more confused that anything. You are even considering building a time machine and go back in time to have a do over. You promise not to mess up.

You can’t sleep at night now. And during the day you are on zombie mode. You have no idea what goes on in work and when you are home your demons won’t let you rest. You wonder what those lumps of blood held,was it a boy or girl?were they twins? How would it have looked like? What would you have named it? Your mind cannot shut down and when you finally fall asleep all you have are nightmares. Not the scary kind of nightmares, the beautiful dreams that picks on the scabs of your wounds. You see beautiful babies in your dreams and when you reach out to hold you wake up. It’s all an illusion and your brain is playing with your already broken heart.

How can the world be this cruel to you. Will this pain ever stop? Will the wound stop throbbing? Will the bleeding stop? You badly want all these to stop. You have even contemplated suicide.

You wonder how pathetic can your body be and not carry a little being to term. Your doctor said you can try again once you are healed. Are you even strong enough to give it another shot? What if you loose it again? Are you even strong enough to want to try. Is there a handbook of how to handle these kind of thing?

The baby she wanted, she didn’t get to hold. 

If I Should Have A Daughter

If I should have a daughter, the first lesson I will teach her is to love her body, and make a home out of it. I will teach her how to love her skin, the one thing that keeps her insides in place. I will teach her that the only validation that matters is the one that comes from herself. I will show her the ways of love, self love. Just enough love, not vanity or narcissistic. Just enough self love to find home under your own skin. 

If I should have a daughter, I will teach her how to show up for herself, not just when she is winning. She should up for herself, especially when she is not winning. That’s when she needs herself the most. Set her crown in place and like the Queen that I raised her to be, to show up for her own goddamn party. It might come out sometime as Selfish, but that’s the thing about love, it makes you Selfish. 

If I should have a daughter, I will teach her strength. I will teach her how to be her own hero, and strong enough to ask for a hero when she can’t find a hero in herself. I will teach her that sometimes strength is breaking down piece by piece either alone or in the arms of a loved one. That sometimes strength is drinking wine straight up from the bottle while crying alone in the bathroom. That sometimes strength is talking to someone about it. Sometimes strength is seeing things fall apart and doing nothing about it. And sometimes strength is hitting up your momma. I promise to show up with chocolates and ice cream when I can. When it’s impossible, I promise to listen. I will show her that breaking down doesn’t translate to weakness, it just means you human. I will teach my daughter strength in all the shades I know and the one’s I will come to know. 

If I should have a daughter, I will teach her that a long bath is sometimes all the therapy she needs. I will teach her how to take care of her well being. I will teach her spirituality, I will teach her how to take care of her emotions, how go unwind and how to take care of her body. I will teach her that the soul needs nourishment and so does the body. Most importantly, I will teach her how to protect her soul. I will teach her how her soul is the most important part of the being. I will show her ways of guarding her soul. Sometimes it’s closing it off and sometimes it’s opening it up. That her instincts are always right, she should trust it when it comes to taking care of herself. 

If I should have a daughter, I will teach her about sexuality. I will show her how to use her body as a weapon against hearts and mind to conquer the world. I will show her the ways of love. We will walk through Kamasutra step by step. We will learn about wealth, love and pleasure. I will show her how her body could be turned into a Temple, a place of worship, a holly place. I will show her how to be a goddess. How to be Aphrodite, how to be Athena and when to be Persephone, and when to be Artemis…. She should be a lover, a warrior and the goddess of darkness, and a mother. I will teach her ways of the wild woman. 

If I should have a daughter, I will raise her to be a feminist, she should be fighting for us, women. I will show her the ways of sisterhood. I will teach her the importance of having female friends and the whole point is to support each other. I will let her know that the harvest relationship she will ever have is with her best friend. That they will fight, make each other cry, ignore each other but it will be worth it, because no one got her back covered more than her soul sister.

I will teach her everything my mother taught me and everything have learnt in the course of my life. I will teach her all this things, but I won’t make decisions for her. I will let her become her own person, make her own mistakes, let her become whatever she wants. I promise to support her, through it all.

PS. I will be a shitty mom, probably. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be the best I could ever be