Once upon a time in the land faraway I met a girl, the once in a lifetime kind of people. I can’t describe her even if I wanted, she was most things, diabolic comes to mind since complicated is cliché. This girl I speak of is nothing cliché, that much is clear. Today(a year ago to be precise), I thought about her, about something she once said. That was during my self destructive days. Well, usually I’m self destructing but those were worse times. I could say, darker times. She said something that gave me pause.
In her own words;” BTW the only reason you are working hard to ruin your life is because the only person that you thought mattered decided to make you feel invisible. Well, ruining yourself won’t make you visible either. Get your head from the gutter and take charge of your life anyway. ”
It’s not the words that gave me pause, it’s the way she said it. Of course those words made sense and cut me deep in a wake up call kind of way, they make a lot of sense even right now.
She is among those people who live in their heads, they don’t share their thoughts and rarely offer advice. So, when she said those words to me, it gave me pause. I knew she had thought about it for a while, and they weren’t meant for comfort or advice. More like facts.
Eventually, I reduced the rate of my self destructive ways, or so I told myself. There was no Happy ever after for me or anything dramatic of course. This is real life,lower your expectations. Today, when those words came rushing back to me, I realized my mistake. I went down that self destructive road because I had given someone(dearest daddy) so much power, trusted that they would always have my back and all. I was wrong, still am, the only person who got your back all the way is just you. The person who stares back at you when you look into the mirror.
If memory serves me right, I didn’t build walls around me from nothing. I think every brick was handed to me by somebody, either intentionally or not,it doesn’t really matter. But the foundation, that was from those darker times or maybe before, we can’t really depend on memory. Well, I didn’t become not so a nice person from nowhere, after all. My friends call me selfish, I like to think of it as selfless love towards one self. I’m not narcistic, if I were, I think I would know. Maybe a little Self absorbent, but nothing chronic, it could be cured by everyone leaving me alone, mostly.